Nearly a year ago my husband and I agreed that it was over. Whatever we were fighting for was no longer worth it. We’d became different people who were no longer compatible, and we were no longer looking back at the happy aspects of the past 21 years, but all the things we still couldn’t get past, no matter how hard we feigned it.
Once I knew I was over him, I did what most people do, and I joined dating sites. Multiple. Most useless. I was upfront about my situation – emotionally separated from my spouse, but due to COVID and financial constraints we were still cohabitating – separate rooms, separate lives. I addressed having a kid in college and that being a parent is the most important thing in my life. I got the typical youngsters who want to sleep with an older woman and the single dads who wanted to still expand their families. Neither interested me. I’m too old and too tired to deal with young guys living out a fetish, and over wanting children.
The first person I took notice of was 33, an age that I was uncomfortable with, but he genuinely seemed to understand my situation. Never married and was indifferent to having children. We started texting and video messaging and finally met at a park. Had great time and continued our flirtation. Because I don’t want to bring baggage into any new relationship, my breakup was off limits to talk about, but he did call one evening after a huge fight with my ex and I said that I wasn’t the best company, said why, and said I’d call tomorrow when I was in a better place. He convinced me it was okay to lean on him, and so I did. For about 10 minutes I allowed myself to be vulnerable to another human. I never talked badly about my ex, just the emotional challenges I was under. The next morning he’d sent me a text saying that he was no longer interested, that I talked too much about my ex. I didn’t let it bother me too much; “he’s just a kid anyway.”
A couple of months later I went on a couple of dinner dates with another younger guy, but closer to my age at 37. Again, never married and no kids. To be honest, the chemistry wasn’t there, but we tried to force it and it failed miserably. Over one dinner he asked me about why I’d moved so much, and I told him due to my ex’s job and getting my kid into the best school we could. He responded with, “I’m not interested in hearing about your ex or kid.” I left.
Because of this, I’ve been incredibly trigger shy at meeting other men. I have an abundance of other topics to talk about, but when we’re talking about why I am who I am, it is shaped by my life experience of being a mother and a wife. I can leave it at the door of our date as much as possible, but it’s still part of who I am, especially being a mom.
Again, two months later I met someone through a dating app – 44, never married and no kids. He had an actual bio and information in it that drew me to him. We started talking and we’ve had a couple of overnights, but instead of being self-conscious about what I’m going to wear and does it flatter my figure, I am battling with what amount of my history am I “allowed” to talk about. I should note here that he’s not given me reason to have this anxiety, but it has been built in by intimidating forces that refuse to validate one’s complete history. We know that it’s rude to continuously talk about your ex on a date, but at what point is it acceptable to say what went wrong and what you’re looking for. And I am a mother, I cannot and will not always leave that part of me at home. Yet, I struggle with balance and I find myself rambling uncontrollably about anything that will not lead to mentioning I’m separated with an adult kid…and I often fail when it comes to the kid portion. Many of my experiences were created with them, so for me it feels natural “oh yeah, my kid showed me how to play this game,” and then I instantly feel sick to my stomach because there’s no rule book on if they should even be mentioned.
What I can say is that I am learning two very important things about myself during this: Who I am and what I want.
I am a mother. A soon-to-be divorcee. But I’m also a goofy, educated, opinionated, happy person who values open conversation between two people and their life experiences. I’m learning that with the right person that I am affectionate and I that I crave it from them. I am someone that has a lot to offer the right person.
As for what I want, I’m ready to admit that I have dealbreakers, something I never truly thought about when I was younger. My must haves are emotional intelligence, curiosity, the ability to listen to understand, someone who can validate me even when they disagree with me, and someone who can communicate what they want. Mostly, someone who is accepting and interested in the whole me – the mom, the divorcee, all of it.
The Opinions of A.L. Morton 